I know that some people may think that I am paranoid, but I seriously think that my children are plotting my downfall. They are all plotting against my sanity and willingness to be a good mother. It all started with the Legos and tidbits on the steps. At first, I thought that the kids were just being lazy and negligent. That was until I stepped on a Lego that was on the steps. It hurt like hell. (Like hitting your shin on the corner of a metal bed railing kind of hell...)
But in the midst of my pain, I hear, "hehehehehehhehehe." WTH!!! Am I living with a "despicable me" character. That s%^$ ain't cool man. I was really hurting!!! Is this the only occasion of "Mysterious Legos on the Stairs"??? NO. Is each time followed by weird, childish snickering.....YES!!!!
Apparently the Legos didn't make me crack. So I guess they had to step it up a notch. Anyone who knows me know I love to cook. (I'm also a little clumsy too.) So, one day I waltz into the kitchen ready bake some muffins and stacked next to the blender are 4 cans with 2 FULL cups of water. Do you have any idea how big of a mess that would have been if I would have bumped the cabinet??? It would have taken me forever to mop up that monsoon. This happened on more than one occasion. And anytime I inquire about who may be doing this....they are all silent. So I'll wait until I catch the crook in action....or I spill the water and see who snickers then.....
And last, home is suppose to be a place where you can relax and let your guard down. Not here....not for me......
I was sitting at the kitchen table, minding my own business when Eve came downstairs highly upset. Before I could ask what was wrong, she started the dialogue...
Eve: Mom, Elijah won't give me his controller. (The Wii Controller.)
Me: Eve, is he playing with it?
Eve: Yes and he won't give me his controller.
Me: Eve, you can't take things away from Elijah. You're just gonna have to be patient.
Eve: BUT MOM HE WON'T GIVE ME HIS CONTROLLER.
(Clearly Eve doesn't understand words like "can't" and "his"
Me: Eve I already told you that you're just gonna have to wait until he's done.
(Now she just stands there...staring at me....contemplating...like "Children on the Corn....."
Eve: Mommy, can I have the Toad Controller?
Me: (I'm a little suspicious....) Ummmm, where is the Toad Controller???
Eve: In Elijah's hand.....
Me: (hangs head in shame.....they are plotting against my sanity....waiting in the shawdows behind Daniel Tiger and Tree Fu Tom...)
Me: No, Eve. Just no. (#shesonly2)
What do you think this is a picture of? Come on, try and guess. A crumb??? Something brought from outside??? Nope. Not at all. I was just minding my own business; relaxing while watching Bones. Elijah bust in my room and says, "Mommy, here." The then proceeds to place this in my hand. Before I can asks what it is, he says, "It came from my nose." Then he runs out of the room, back to whatever weirdness he was doing. I was just grossed out, that I dropped the booger on the bed. It took a while to find........
Every parent knows that kids pick the worst/best time to pick a fight with each other. For my twins, it seems that the best time for them to fight is in the 3rd row of my Arcadia while in motion. Now before your get panties in a wad, the kids are securely buckled in their age-appropriate seats. We are just driving along Covington Pike, listening to the radio when Elliott starts yelling and crying.
Me: Elliott, what's wrong? Use your words and stop all that unnecessary noise.
Elliott: Elijah hit me in the face!!!!!
Me: Elijah, why did you hit him in the face? (Notice I didn't ask if he did or not....)
Elijah: I didn't hit him in the face.
Elliott: Yes you did.
Elijah: No I didn't.
Me: (I take a deep breath and try to focus on driving...rethinking that Walmart run and considering just going home and starve....)
Me: Elijah, (whew), did you hit Elliott at all?
Elijah: Yes I did.
Me: (My head hangs down at a red light....definitely not up for this crap today.)
Elijah: But I didn't hit him in the face.
Elliott: Yes you did!!!
Elijah: No I didn't Mama.
Me: Elijah, where did you hit Elliott?
Elijah: I hit him in the mouth.
Me: (WTH...WTH...WTH...) Elijah, the mouth is a part of someone's face. You need to apologize to Elliott.
Elijah: But he was singing so loud. I NEEDED to hit him in the mouth.
Me: Just apologize....(yep...going home...)
This incident has happened many times since. Elijah has learned that the nose, eye and cheek are all, in fact, in the face. And you shouldn't hit people there.
Mommy Phoebe Free
These are simple letters to my kids...about their antics.