Everyone’s Quarantine Life is a little different. Mine consists of 4 kids: an 11 yr old boy, twin 8 year old boys, and a 6 year old girl. I understand that my kids are supposed to be engaging in virtual learning sessions and crafts to enhance their home-based learning. They’re doing that, minus the crafts, but they have also picked up a few new skills too. Some of the skills are beneficial, while some are quite questionable. Here 46 things my kids have learned during Covid-19 Quarantine: (Psst…and none of it is school related.)

1. How to tell if mommy has a virtual meeting. (She has a fancy shirt on with her pajama bottoms.)
2. How to do your own laundry.
3. What happens when you let another kid ride your bike.
4. Never wake a sleeping mom.
5. How to wash dishes by hand.
6. How to build a raised garden bed.
7. How to read an eviction notice. (The twins were evicted from their bedrooms and had to sleep in the playroom/garage.)
8. How to pour a beer.
9. What the going rate for the Tooth Fairy is.
10. How the Tooth Fairy must practice social distancing. (Seriously, we had 2 kids lose a total of 5 teeth. We BROKE!)
11. How to start a fire.
12. How to measure and administer your own allergy meds.
13. How to know when your underwear is too tight.
14. That homeschool is a real thing.
15. How to ride a bike without training wheels.
16. How to fix Dad, an essential worker, a cocktail after a long day.
17. The importance of speaking kind words to people and plants.
18. How to close doors quietly and sneak around the house at 2am.
19. Why composting is important. (Thanks Compost Fairy!)
20. The meaning of “Don’t start no stuff, won’t be no stuff.”
21. What the word “mate” means.
22. How to clean with the intention of it being less dirty.
23. Every word from Descendants movies 1, 2 and 3!
24. How to use a debit card online.
25. The best way to ask rich Uncle for money.
26. Why not to disturb mommy when she locks herself in the car.
27. How to play marbles.
28. That bath bombs don’t replace soap. (You still must use soap!)
29. Superglue and ducktape can fix a multitude of things.
30. That dying is not the same as hungry.
31. How to email mommy (There’re only so many hypothetical theory scenarios a person can take. Just email me and I’ll get back to you….eventually.)
32. How to throw trash out of the window when cleaning your room. (#dadcleaning)
33. That people need to stop eating sea animals, but cows can die.
34. When the cat doesn’t want to be picked up.
35. Why it’s important to have space from your sibling.
36. A dog can eat an entire loaf of bread.
37. Appropriate reasons to call you brother a weirdo. (There aren’t any.)
38. How to get your shoes from on top of the shed.
39. Not everyone is a “Fold Person.” My daughter doesn’t believe in folding clothes.
40. How to BeyBlade.
41. How long you can wear pajamas before they start to smell.
42. Why Dads need facials too.
43. How to drift on a bike.
44. Ingredients you CANNOT make slime out of.
45. How to climb a tree.
46. Not all poop is good poop.

This is just a snippet of what they have learned during this Covid-19 Quarantine. Now that school is “out” I can only plead that they learn things that won’t cause them mental of physical harm.
One thing I have realized during this Covid-19 Quarantine is how much I love my kids. Not just a surface kind of love, but an unconditional, laugh when I think about them kind of love. I have fallen in love with my kids all over again. Each day they teach me something new and give me a new outlook on life. Here’s a short list of things I have learned from them:

1. Lotion after bath time is optional.
2. Breakfast is a meal that never really ends.
3. They don’t need me to correct their mistakes.
4. I’m a darn good cook.
5. They prefer to be homeschooled.
6. Aum Sum is a really educational YouTube Channel.
7. Eating 17 snacks equals 1 meal.
8. Doing something dumb makes you realize how smart you usually are.
9. Money is meant to be spent.
10. Being home with family is the best thing ever!

Keep learning! Like my 11 year old says, “As long as you learn something, you can never be less smart.”

So Father’s Day is fast approaching and I’m desperately trying to figure out what to give my husband. I am clicking on Facebook Ads, Googling everything, and even searching through my “other” email account for deals that companies might have sent me.​

But still, with Father’s Day less than 2 weeks away, I have nothing. Every gadget he wanted, he has. Places to go? Everything is closed. I did find this neat grooming kit for men that included cologne, a comfy shirt, a beard kit with a special bristled beard brush, and a few other items. Since it cost $100, I thought our 4 kids wouldn’t mind contributing $10 each to buy their Dad this Father’s Day gift. But they did mind. They said, and I quote, “Dad looks fine. He doesn’t need that stuff.” Then they proceeded to tell me all they things they were going to make for Daddy. In other words, I am on my own. Even though the kids are making cute crafts and painting, I’m sure he wants more than that. I mean, when it’s Mother’s Day, I adore those macaroni frame pictures, but come on…..give me more please.
So I started thinking, what gets my husband really excited?What is something he would really appreciate? What could make him say, “Thanks, baby. That was amazing!”? And honestly, the only thing that came to my mind was sex.Anytime I mention “riding the pony”, my husband gets really excited and it shows. It doesn’t matter if we just made whoopee less than 24 hours ago. He is always appreciative during and after a good rump. He will literally say “Yes” to anything and everything. If moans of yes aren’t signs of appreciation, then I don’t know what is. Although he doesn’t say “Thank you” after we Bang, because that would be weird, he does say, “That was amazing.” Sex is fun and has tremendous power to join together the heart of husband and wife.
Well now I feel like I might be on to something. “Hooking up” gets my husband really excited and he seriously appreciates it. So is Vagina a good Father’s Day gift? Or no?In my opinion, sex is like an exclamation mark at the end of a sentence for men. It doesn’t matter what words the sentence has in it, as long as it ends in an exclamation mark. In other words, I doesn’t matter what the gets for Father’s Day, as long as the day has a “happy ending.”
If you give your husband a Maserati for Father’s Day, but he goes to bed with a dry pecker, I’m sure he’ll say, “Yeah Man! She got me a Maserati for Father’s Day, but I didn’t get to put the ‘P to the V’, if you know what I mean.”
And the other guy would say, “Aww, man. You didn’t get lucky on Father’s Day?! That’s messed up. What does a man have to do to ‘lay some pipe’ around here?!”
Yep. That’s exactly how that conversation would go.
I think I am a really good gift! After all, I’m pretty good in the sack. (I’ve been told that we didn’t get 4 kids by sitting on our hands.) I’m flexible and adventurous and I’m sure I could create a sex move in his honor. And (I don’t want to brag), I’m pretty sure I give the best fellatio this side of the Mississippi. So, yes….this “gift” is sounding very promising.

But, I digress. Is vagina a good Father’s Day gift or no? I’m seriously asking the public here. I know the “V” puts a smile on his face. But it’s not like he doesn’t get it on the regular. But then again, the V is amazing and mind-blowing all on its own, even without the use of hands, lips, boobs, and celebratory cheeks. (For you Rated-G moms, celebratory cheeks are when you make your cheeks clap, and I don’t mean the ones on your face.) Plus, my eager beaver is the only reason he’s a father anyhow! So this should be an annual commencement to celebrate the life-giving power of the V.
But I can hear some of the naysayers mumbling, “Would you like it if he just gave you ‘the wood’ on Mother’s Day?” Honestly, no I wouldn’t like it. Like most women, I’m a little more complicated. I would need at least some flowers and a foot rub with lavender oil. After that, it would be “Open Sesame!” (And if he buys me a book too…….he can get IT!)
So, with no gift yet, other than the one between my legs, I think I might have to rely on the vajayjay to make this the BEST FATHER’S DAY EVER! And if you have a little baby, don’t count yourself out. Sex After a Baby is real!
And by the way, I did ask my Hubby if vagina was a good Father’s Day gift. He said, and I quote, “Of course! It’s a good Father’s Day Gift and a good birthday present too!”